My Sufferings : The Story So Far : Chapter 10

Needle count : 5 .Yes I'm counting the stabs separately. Its only fair. Oh wait, I wasn't done for the day. We had to meet the doctor that very night after getting the CT report. Blood report would be out only next morning. That means I'd have to see his ugly face again. We took the report to him and he kept looking at it and finally confirmed that I had an infection. I don't know where he drew that conclusion from. I too had a look at the reports. I guess anyone could have made that conclusion. There were cloud-like stuff all over my ribs in the X-Ray and the CT scan looked pretty much the same except that it was in colour. But for six thousand bucks, he better tell us something. And he did. "Come back tomorrow with the blood report". The day had ended with me still intact. With the exception of 5 holes on my arms.

My Sufferings : The Story So Far : Chapter 9

Once again a nurse had to guide poor illiterate me towards the blood test area. I could hear a child wailing from inside the room. Fear struck me. I had been like that once. Inside, I still am. I was next and I'll spare you the details of the blood test. The usual thing. Sometimes I think they purposefully do it in slow motion so you'll feel scared for longer. Job satisfaction I guess. Sickos. Time always slows down or almost stops at such situations. If only I could master it for more preferable situations. After the regular blood test, there was another blood test. I was shocked when I was informed. This new thing was a 'Bleeding Time' test. Never heard of it. Its supposedly done if you're gonna undergo a surgery or something. The first thing that popped into my head when I heard of this was the scene of a local mutton stall. Goats hanging. Blood and meat everywhere. I was the goat here. And today was Bakrid for me. I wasn't mentally prepared for this 'Bleeding Time' test and the nurse refused to tell me what it was about. I found out in a few seconds though. She stabbed me thrice in the arm. In quick succession. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! A neat little connect-the-dots line. With almost perfect colinearity. I would like to use the word stab though they'd argue saying it was only a prick. But a prick is for a balloon. Whereas its people who get stabbed. I'm a person. You may not agree but I certainly am NOT a balloon. Yes, so i was stabbed thrice and they timed how long i bled. They just sat and watched my arm bleed in three places and waited for it to clot. Job satisfaction again I guess. I was done for the day. I had survived.

My Sufferings : The Story So Far : Chapter 8

Oh look at this. Some people find my story revolting. I just got a death threat from my uncle because he feels that the world needn't know of my sufferings. But being a great author (Like Salman Rushdie) and a retired ninja (Unlike Salman Rushdie), I fear nothing. Death threats are part of one's life. So, getting back to my story : Just as I was getting off the machine, the operator or technician or whatever he called himself came back in saying that the scan didn't come out clearly and that i need to be given 'contrast'. Just as i was wondering what that could possibly be, he grabbed my arm and slowly but surely stuck an IV needle into it. It was the thickest goddamn needle I've ever seen in my life and it hurt. To it, he leisurely connected a large bag of 'contrast dye'. Some dirty purple liquid. Alien blood probably. I was convinced that they were trying to kill me. Or torture me for money. Now i had to lie down in that hell-hole again. With my hands up. Like a weird yoga position. Except that yoga positions don't contain IV lines attached to the person. IV lines connected to alien blood. So he took me for a ride in that machine again. Thankfully he was satisfied this time. He gave me a thumbs up (No! Not the drink) through his protective glass shield and came running towards me and gleefully plucked out the IV line from my arm. Like a farmer harvesting carrots or something. I had survived. Now only the blood test remained. And if I survived that, I'd see another day. Oh btw, I would like you to keep count of certain things. Seven Hospitals & Diagnostic centers. That I've already said. And number of needles. One so far. And one more coming up. Keep counting. You're gonna need more than 2 hands. Sigh.

My Sufferings : The Story So Far : Chapter 7

Alright. Back to serious mode. No more funny stuff. Pure seriousness. At the lab : CT scan + Blood test remember? You gotta remove all electrical / electronic / mechanical devices attached to your body. Watch, phone, wallet and whatever little polo rolls and stuff I found. The room was freezing. My mom insisted on being in the room during the procedure. So she was given a jacket to protect her, which looked like those SWAT bullet proof vests. Except that it was reddish-blue in colour and was a full hand one. It weighed her down. Must be a hell a lot of lead in that jacket. Must be a hell a lot of radiation. I, on the other had no protection. Like I said, I was the victim here. I had to remove my Shirt and lie down in that claustrophobic tunnel-like bed. I was asked to raise my hands and had to hold them above my head throughout the procedure as the operator took me for a joy ride in that machine. Front and back. Front and back. And again. Holding and releasing my breath as per his commands, I could no longer take the cold and asked him to reduce the temperature. "Its not for you, its for the machine to work" he snapped back. Wtf? Now the machine was more important than his 'valued' customers. Somehow i survived this Siberian blizzard and got out. Little did i know that there was much more in store for me...

My Sufferings : The Story So Far : Chapter 6

This chapter is dedicated to my friends from college. Extra dedication to B-Annex people. They must be undergoing a lot of stress right now. Exams and all. And Vellore heat. And overall, its difficult to study in B-Annex. The following is a stress release strategy that I've decided to patent. Do exactly as I say, as and when you read. First, place your left arm around your neck and palm over your right ear. Now go look in a mirror. You look ridiculous. Now for the exercise : Go buy an egg. Oh wait! There's another fact here : DESTRUCTION RELEASES STRESS. Yes, now you know what we're gonna do with the egg. Find a big rock and smash the egg on it. At 12 Noon preferably. Now you've solved two problems :
1. Stress
2. Lunch.
I guess this is what they call killing two birds with one stone.

If the first problem wasn't solved, watch the following video. If both the problems were solved, watch the video anyway. It'd be like killing three birds with two stones.

DISSECTION OF A NINJA :

My Sufferings : The Story So Far : Chapter 5

OMG you're still reading. Okay I'll stop. But this isn't a novel. It isn't as "cool" as the other paperbacks. Its just a dramatized version of what really happened. Like those books and movies which are based on true stories. Back to my story : We went back that very evening to the doctor who thoroughly examined the X-Ray. Like how Sherlock Holmes would look at a piece of evidence. After giving it great thought, he declared that there's some sort of infection in my chest and that a CT scan was required to "zero-in" on the problem. Along with a blood test. Pop Trivia : Are you scared of needles? 10% of the world's population piss their pants when they're approached with a needle. I'm part of the 10% but I haven't really pissed my pants so far. But yeah I'm scared as hell. I was okay with the CT scan i guess. You'll just feel claustrophobic for a few minutes but then again its just another "photo" session. A nurse came to guide me towards the labs. Do you ever realize that at most hospitals, the nurses take it for granted that you're illiterate and insist on guiding you towards labs and operation theatres even though there are signboards everywhere? I think they do it to make their presence felt. I'm not saying this based on one hospital trip. Heck in the past 2 weeks, I've become a proud member of seven different hospitals and diagnostic centres. Maybe I should be in The Guinness Book of World Records for that.

My Sufferings : The Story So Far : Chapter 4

The details of the visit to the X-Ray lab are quite boring. But I'm jobless and if you've read so much, you too must be. So I'll tell you. Its the usual nonsense. They take you into a cold room and ask you to remove your shirt. I complained to myself about the temperature, but didn't say anything. Then you stand there half naked in the cold as he takes his own sweet time to make adjustments such as turning numerous knobs and kicking the machine. Well what the heck. Why cant he do this before dragging me into the cold or making me remove my shirt. So I stand there and wait for him to order me around. For my particular X-Ray, I had to stand like how Jesus had to when he was crucified. At least he had nails to support his arms. Then after much (of his) thought, the "photo" was taken and the report was prepared.

My Sufferings : The Story So Far : Chapter 3

At this point, I must include this picture of a ridiculously ugly African individual for my enjoyment. I wish Oral-B advertises on my blog after this. Yes, Chapter 3 comprises entirely of this and this alone.

My Sufferings : The Story So Far : Chapter 2

As i was saying, the IPL was pretty much the only thing to look forward to. Much of this doctor-hospital monstrosity began on Friday, 16th April 2010. Yes i must mention the date because a few years from now, i would like to look back at this and laugh at my stupidity and joblessness like probably what Chetan Bhagat is doing now. Back to my story : I had gone for a general check up. Well i had been coughing like heck for the past 9 months but whatever. The doctor smiled as i entered the room. Quite a pleasant smile actually. But with a hint of "Ah look another victim to torment" look on his face. He listened to my mother's babbles of how i kept coughing all the time and smilingly nodded his head continuously. Like those dogs people keep on the dashboard of their cars. Staring at me the whole time. Like my feelings towards most doctors, I hated him too. Suddenly he stopped nodding and perked up. Either someone electrocuted him or my mother had said something shocking. The latter was true. There were visible nodes on the side of my neck. Little little bumps which had no significance to me. Heck it didn't even hurt or anything. His first reaction was to feel up my neck. Which I personally didn't enjoy. After recovering from shock, he then managed to mumble "Chest X-Ray" or something like that. We had to get one done and meet him that evening. By the time I left his room, he seemed to have fully recovered from his "Fake" shock.

My Sufferings : The Story So Far : Chapter 1

To begin with, let me tell you about doctors. I HATE them. Or i should say hated. Sure they save lives and all but the entire process of visiting them sucks. First you have to call and fix an appointment. Then you have to go there. Then you have to wait in a room full of sick people : crying babies, lamenting old people and in every direction people are coughing. The perfectly awesome place to be infected by an assortment of bonus diseases which you did not have before. The strong stench of disinfectant in the air could be quite nauseating. Nurses walking around pushing trolleys containing needles and other surgical instruments, waiting to be stuck into the body of an unfortunate soul or victim. And if you're really unlucky, there would be a TV with some stupid channel on. Usually some Tamil or Telugu music videos which are quite dreadful. Thankfully the IPL saved me.